Why Bathroom Doors Are Best Kept Locked
by LiteralBlue
Summary: Also known as Bladder Issues. Although these have little to do with the story itself. Contains OCs, Kakuzu stealing things, Kisame stealing more things, Tobiloving, lemurlesness, skateboard races, the apocalypse and jigging. Poor Deidara. Rated for safety
1. Case of Deidara

A/N I don't own Naruto. Rei and Tei are shameless self-inserts for myself (Rei) and my beloved sister Astarael's Get (Tei), who you should please go to see if you like this! Fanfics also featuring Akatsuki plus Rei and Tei are Sweet Angels, by moi, and the truly hilarious Leader's Towel, by Astarael's Get.

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Of the many frailties of mankind, one of the most unavoidable and often inconvenient is the need to pee. This happens to almost all humans on a regular basis, and can sometimes have inconvenient, or even disastrous consequences, some of which can change a person's life forever, some of which can simply change a person's opinion, or teach them something interesting about themselves or those around them. 

Take Deidara, for example.

Deidara had just returned to the Akatsuki headquarters after a long and tedious journey home from a dull and annoyingly explosive-free mission. And he needed to pee. So, as most people who need to pee do, he headed for the nearest bathroom.

This involved passing two bedrooms; the first one was Miyako Reikisha's, and the second one was Suzuka Telaki's. It could be said that the events told here were Deidara's own fault, as nobody bearing a need not to be distracted passed the lairs of the voodoo sisters Rei and Tei.

Rei's door was slightly ajar, which was unusual for the ninja-seamstress, who had a distracting habit of knifing anyone who entered her personal space without her express permission, preferably in writing. Deidara, being a chivalrous gentleman and certainly not thinking of stealing Rei's photo album and using it for blackmail, peered through the gap and into Rei's room.

The room was occupied, but not by the purple-haired kunoichi. It was occupied by a tall man in a mask and a very noticeable skin tone; Kakuzu. He was sat on the doll-laden four-poster bed nobody was sure how Rei had acquired or gotten into her room, a drawer in front of him; he was going through it's contents, which were mostly small, black and lacy.

It was a fact grudgingly accepted throughout the Akatsuki that Kakuzu wore women's underwear; he had denied it right up until Konan had stolen the CCTV tape of Kakuzu making purchases at a lingerie store. However, Deidara was still intrigued to know why Kakuzu was rooting through Rei's Unmentionables. Possibly he was looking for inspiration; Tei frequently and loudly offered her opinions on Kakuzu's apparently terrible taste in underwear.

"Too small… too big… too elasticy… Not lacy enough…" He was muttering to himself as he searched. Finally he pulled out something that seemed to satisfy his curiosity; a very see-through bra and some extremely brief briefs. He nodded to himself and set those aside as he replaced all the items he had tossed aside in his search, and put the drawer back where it belonged. Then, he carefully put the chosen garments into the inside pocket of his cloak and slipped out of the room, muttering to himself about going to try them on; Deidara scooted back around the corner to hide just in time to avoid the stingy knicker-theif.

Slightly disturbed by the incident, Deidara continued on to the bathroom, hurrying more now due to the increase in pressure on his bladder, and would have made in quickly if he hadn't heard a raised voice as he passed Tei's room: "For the last time, I am _not_ getting you a lemur!" The words floated over his head for a moment before registering, but when they did, he quickly retraced his steps; Tei's door was closed, but the first voice had definitely been Rei's, and Tei's now whined.

"Why not?"

"Because… _because!_"

"When I said that you told me it was no kind of answer!"

"When I told you that, I'd just asked you why you'd felt the need to replace Rimu's blonde dye with fluorescent pink! Refusing to get a lemur for you is far more reasonable!"

"But – but – but, _why?_ Just give me a reason!"

"Well, for one thing Leader-sama will kill you."

"Leader-sama already wants to kill me." Said Tei matter-of-factly.

"What have you done to make him want that?"

"Well, the whole thing with the spiked punch, the spider incident, that graffiti contest…" Deidara bit back a snort at the memory.

"_Correction._ What have you done that _right at this very moment_ he wants to kill you for? _Not_ what have you done that he'd kill you for if he knew it was you that did it."

"… I… burnt… his… pie?" The blonde sounded hopeful.

"Nice try. You're relatively safe from Leader-sama at the moment, I'm afraid. Which is more than you would be if I got you a lemur. Besides, you know Leader-sama likes his food burnt, to remind him of the temporary and insufficient nature of pathetic mortality, and that imperfection brings with it the gentle hand of beauty, like the soft sounds and gentle colours of the lush forests in fading autumn, and also enhances the flavour of the pastry."

"I forgot about that, actually."

"It's not hard to remember, Tei."

"I think I was drunk."

"Yeah, that's what _she_ said-"

"Someone's at the door."

There was a silence, then the sound of footsteps, and Rei opened the door. Deidara stepped back slightly.

"What?" She asked, with all the poise and good manner of a dead gecko. Deidara thought fast.

"I thought you should know that Kakuzu just stole your underwear."

This news sank in slowly, the eyes of the two kunoichi slowly widening. At last, Rei spoke.

"Did you see _which_ underwear?"

"It was black lace. Teensy knickers and a see-through bra. Then, he said he was going to go try them on."

It took five seconds, but both women turned from peachy to white, then to green.

"I'm gonna be sick!" Rei muttered, staggering past him with one hand over her mouth.

"Me too!" Tei stumbled as she ran past him.

Deidara stared after them, before suddenly, the pressure in his bladder flared. With no other option except one that would be extremely embarrassing, he set off at a sprint to the bathroom.

He made a fatal mistake.

He took a flying leap, aiming for the Boys' Room door.

He missed.

The Ladies' Room was a mirror of the Boys' Room in terms of layout, with toilet and shower cubicles, and sinks along one wall. Vomiting noises were coming from two of the cubicles, and Deidara briefly recognized Tei's blue shoes and Rei's battered pink fluffy bunny slippers that she insisted on wearing whenever she was at the hideout, before realisation dawned.

There were several kunai flying towards his face; he jumped back, and the floor opened up beneath him. He caught a glimpse of spikes at the bottom of the pit as he gracelessly staggered backwards and slammed into the door, which had shut seemingly of its own accord. He became suddenly aware of a taunt wire moving fast towards him at neck level, and ducked just in time to lose a lock of his hair. He dived out of the way of several spiky things that were falling from the ceiling, and noticed the exploding tag his foot was about to fall on; he diverted the step just in time, and screamed, "_Make it stop_!" as loudly as he could manage, being forced to do a crazy jig to avoid kunai and shuriken from all directions.

"… The hell?" He turned his head, to glimpse Rei coming out of her cubicle, dabbing her mouth with a tissue.

"Help me, Rei!" He shrieked as he lost another lock of hair to a stray kunai.

She looked at him for a few more seconds, then went and tapped on Tei's cubicle door. "Hey, come look!" Tei stuck her head around the door, and burst into hysterics.

"Dance, blondie!" She giggled.

"What the hell _is _this?" He panted.

"Oh, like you don't booby-trap your bathroom." Rei said, wandering over to a seemingly insignificant part of the wall and tapping a certain tile. The barrage of weapons stopped as suddenly as it had begun.

"You _booby-trapped_ your _bathroom_?" Deidara demanded, incredulously.

"You _don't_?" Tei stared. "What if one of us was really desperate and made a flying leap and accidentally went into your bathroom?"

"You could've killed me!"

"You should look before you leap, Deidara." Rei advised solemnly. She paused. "Wow, I never thought I'd be in a situation where that saying would actually be appropriate."

"I can't help that you're both crazy!"

"And I can't help that you went in our bathroom."

"… you actually rigged all those traps just in case a guy accidentally came in here?"

Tei shook her head. "It's Kakuzu, he keeps trying to spy on us in the shower. And Kisame sometimes comes in and steals things."

"What things?"

Rei shrugged. "Loo roll, soap, towels, my shower gel, once he tried to get Tei's rubber duck."

"That's weird."

"Kisame is weird. That trapdoor's about to activate."

Deidara jumped out of the way just in time. "I thought you turned it off!"

"So did I. It gets like that sometimes. Hey, weren't you here for a reason?"

Deidara paused for a moment, then realised that he was about to explode, and ran for the correct bathroom next door, leaving Rei and Tei staring after him.

"You know," Rei said eventually, "not many people get distracted when they need to pee that bad."

"Oh, well. Where were we?"

"Lemurs, as pets, inadvisability thereof." Said Rei firmly.

"I'm bored. Let's take Tobi out to play fetch."

"He's adorable with that Frisbee."

"Does the heart good."

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A/N There _will_ be a second chapter! So, _please_ put this on alert! And while you're at it, fave! And also, cookies for reviews. Please? 


	2. Case of Tei

A/N The sequel at last! Lots of people wanted it, so here it is! Oh, and by the way, to help you understand, the bathrooms at the hideout have toilet cubicles and are tiled with that cheap sheet stuff… think like a school toilet, but with shower cubicles as well.

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The need to pee can make people do crazy things, we have already gathered. And as it happens, it's not only Deidara who's affected by the sheer misfortune of desperation. No, my friends, it happens to everyone… 

Tei woke up.

This in itself was unusual, and a fact she usually noted in her diary; for S-class criminals, waking up each morning, or in Tei's case, afternoon, was a blessing. Especially in the Akatsuki Hideout, where there was a constant risk of Deidara's sculpting going wrong and exploding, Zetsu deciding he was too hungry to go out and then eating one, a pissed-off Itachi knifing one in one's sleep for some slight offence that occurred last week, Kisame being disturbed in the act of stealing one's personal effects, Kakuzu being caught in the act of stealing one's undergarments (this particular risk was girls-only.) or Konan having PMS.

Anyways, on this particular occasion Tei woke up. This was because of a pressure in her bladder that caused her to roll out of bed (as always, something went _squelch_ as she hit the floor, fully dressed except for her shoes, which Leader had strictly forbidden to be worn in the hideout, on pain of Leader), and make a slow stroll to the bathrooms nearby.

Just an arm's length from the door, she trod on one of Tobi's skateboards, left on the floor, probably after that racing last week. As always happens in such cases, her foot flew out from under her, and she staggered forwards, missing the girls' room completely, and crashing through the dark, foreboding baby-blue door to… The Men's Room.

She managed to catch her feet just inside the door, but looked up only to see, standing by the row of urinals… Kisame.

For a moment, she stared. Then, she screwed her eyes shut and commenced to run around in circles, flailing wildly, screaming "MY EYES!" repeatedly. Rei and Hidan both leaned around the door just in time to see Tei slip on one of the inevitable wet patches on the tiled floor next to the showers, and fly headfirst into a sink, smashing it and falling into a still, crumpled heap on the floor.

"Oh, my God, you killed Tei!" Rei screamed, bursting into the room, her battered pink, fluffy bunny slippers squeaking on the floor as she fell to her knees by Tei's side. "Tei? Tei! Speak to me, Tei!"

"Hey, man, you killed her." Hidan said. He offered Kisame a high-five, but the shark-nin was buttoning his pants and blushing purple.

"Who killed Tei?" Sasori asked, coming out of a toilet cubicle. Rei pointed a shaking finger.

"That thieving piece of giant sushi killed my partner!"

"Rei…" Kisame said quietly, "I find the term "sushi" racist."

"Yeah, well I find your _face_ racist, and your _face_ didn't just lose his partner…" Rei paused, then turned to Sasori. "You use the _bathroom_? Is that even possible?"

Sasori shrugged. "Why not?"

"You're, well… wooden."

"So?"

"So, how do you… you didn't… did you… is that even… what's the _point_ of Maypole Dancing?"

"I _know_!" Kisame declared. "What, summer's here, why don't we all run around a big stick? Huzzah."

"How is it even relevant? Ribbons and a stick?" Hidan added, all thoughts on Sasori's anatomy temporarily forgotten. Rei nodded eagerly.

"It's just a useless tradition that makes no sense!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Itachi said, strolling in. "You should take the time to try to understand something before you dismiss it utterly." He paused, then saw the limp blonde whose head was now cradled in Rei's lap. "Hey, who killed Tei?" Rei blinked, then suddenly remembered the still form in her arms.

"Your bloody great _fish_ of a partner did it!" She shouted. Tears were spilling out of her eyes, which resulted in vast amounts of makeup being loosened, leaving two dark purple lines down her face.

"Fish…" Kisame sighed. "That's another racist term…"

"You killed her?" Itachi looked mildly interested as he turned to Kisame. "Leader's been trying for years. How did you manage it?"

"I didn't do it on _purpose_!" Kisame protested. "She just… burst in… and she saw me, and started running around with her eyes shut…"

"She must have tripped on that skateboard outside." Itachi said offhandedly.

"What kind of _idiot_ leaves a skateboard lying around a corridor?"

Rei sighed. "Me and Tei and Konan and Tobi were having skateboard-races down the end stairs last week." She looked up at the assembled stares. "_What_? You're shinobi! You shouldn't fall for something like _that_! I bet you watch your step around banana peels too!"

"Like any of us would do something as undignified as tripping on a banana peel…" Sasori muttered. Far, far above, the Fates were tempted suitably. Suddenly, Rei glanced up, and noticed something… odd, on the wall.

"Wait… you have a _tampon machine_?"

"Yup." Itachi said.

"We never quite figured that one out." Sasori added. "These bathrooms make no sense, anyway."

Rei nodded. "Like how the girls' room has five showers, despite the fact that Akatsuki only has three female members."

"Two." Hidan reminded her jovially.

"Why, what happened to Konan?" Asked Tei, sitting up. Rei gasped. Rubbing at the large, bloody lump on her forehead that had smashed the ceramic, Tei turned to her friend, taking in her running makeup and tears. "Geez, you look terrible. Have you been watching Godzilla again?"

The silence was broken by a clatter; Hidan had dropped his scythe. He was staring at Tei, wide-eyed. As those present watched, what little color had ever been there at all drained from his face, and he started shaking uncontrollably, an expression of terror in his face. Then he threw his arms in the air, and screamed: "THE DEAD ARE RISING! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! THE APOCALYPSE, I TELL YOU! JASHIN WILL JUDGE YOU _ALL_! REPENT! THE DEAD ARE RISING!" He burst into the corridor and started running around, bouncing off walls and miraculously avoiding all the other remnants of the skateboard-races, screaming still, "THE DEAD, THE DEAD ARE RISING! APOCALYPSE! APOCALYPSE!"

Looking quite bored, Itachi turned to Tei. "That's quite a bump." He observed. "You weren't dead, just unconscious." Kisame cursed.

"Oh, good." Tei said. "For a second there I thought Paradise was a boy's bathroom and you guys all made it too."

"Will someone shut up the fanatic?" Sasori growled. Itachi sighed, and stooped to pick up Hidan's scythe.

"What're you going to do?" Rei asked, following him into the corridor with Tei.

Itachi said noting, waiting until the screaming Hidan ran past again, going at full speed; in one graceful strike, Itachi neatly decapitated the screaming preacher. Hidan's head went flying through the air, spinning and spurting blood everywhere, and landed some distance away. He saw his body, and the screaming, if anything, increased in volume. "HOLY SHIT, I'M STILL ALIVE! THE DEAD ARE RISING! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! _THE APOCALYPSE!_" Rei and Tei exchanged glances, then shrugged. Sasori groaned, rubbing his temples. Smiling wickedly, Kisame strode forwards, grabbed the screaming head by the hair, threw open the door to the girls' bathroom, tossed in the head and slammed the door shut. There was a thud as the first of the booby-traps activated. After a few seconds, there was a creak, and the screaming stopped.

"Trapdoor." Said Rei and Tei together.

"You're evil." Sasori said approvingly to Kisame, who bowed graciously. They turned to see Konan striding purposefully down the corridor, hesitating only slightly when she saw bloody Tei, smear-faced Rei and the headless body of Hidan.

"Leader said to keep it down, Fig's on." She said, lifting the hem of her cloak and stepping over Hidan's body. "What on earth is this?"

"It's the reason why bathroom doors are best kept locked." Rei said. Konan blinked, then shrugged, and stooped to pick up a skateboard.

"Fancy another skateboard race?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Me too!" Said Tei.

"…You have a potentially fatal injury and concussion."

"I'm drunk, too. Never stopped me before."

"Okay then. Kisame?"

"… I don't skateboard."

"Neither did I, 'till last week." Rei confessed. "You learn fast."

"… Okay."

"Sasori?"

"I was skateboard-champion of Suna in my innocent youth." Sasori said, tossing his red hair. "You're on."

"Itachi?"

"… Are we allowed to cheat?"

"We're ninja, red-eyes."

"That's a yes, then?"

"Duh."

"Okay, sure.

Half an hour later, Leader opened his door, intending to go looking for Konan, when five blurs on skateboards whizzed past. Sasori was in first place, shouting insults over his shoulder; Konan was in second place, replying to each comment with various four-letter words. Rei was close behind in third place, and as Leader watched she executed an artful flip as she went over a ramp that had been set in place; With grazed knees and elbows, Kisame was fourth, but gaining speed fast. Itachi was last, but it looked like he was readying Amaterasu.

Leader closed the door and returned to his beloved soap operas, massaging his temples and muttering "They're S-class criminals, they're S-class criminals, this isn't daycare, they're S-class criminals…" again and again.

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A/N Okay, so I was on a temporary break. But, whilst Aster and I have been off writing, we've come up with _so many_ ideas... prepare to be bombarded with updates! ... When I can be bothered. 

Same as always, I own nothing but Rei, Tei was donated by my sister, Rimu and Anno are joint posessions, check out my dear sister Astarael's Get, she and I come up with our ideas together so we use the same characters and our storylines are always the product of both our efforts combined in craziness.


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